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Ten-Second Switch
By ShinjitsuShomei

Dramatis Personae:

Red Riding Hood
Fairy Godmother
Sleepy Witch

Mr. Angry Man
Jedi Steve
Jedi Mike

The Wolf
Random Crowd Member #1
Random Crowd Member #2
Technician #1
Technician #2
Forest Echoes
Friar Know-It-All
Other Crowd Members
Tavern Patrons

Scene 1
The Ninja and the Pirate

(The curtain opens and a single light illuminates a stool, on which sits Ninja. She sits with her head down, but slowly looks up and surveys the audience.)

Ninja - (Stands and walks downstage.) Ya know, I miss the good old days. Back when I used to run through the meadows and the fields, picking wildflowers and singing with the bluebirds. Then running back home for a slice of mother's homemade blackberry pie and a glass of fresh milk. (pauses. Then a look of confusion crosses her face.) Or was that someone else's life?
(Pirate leaps in from stage left)
Ninja: (Points accusingly) Pirate!
Pirate: (Points back) Ninja!
(Both stride to meet each other at center stage. Glare at each other. Then flail their arms whimsically together in mock battle. Ninja's right hand slaps Pirate's left cheek as Pirate's left hand slaps Ninja's right cheek. Both turn their heads with the slap. They return to glaring, each holding the injured cheek)
Ninja: I hate you!
Pirate: I hate you too!
Ninja: You are a greedy, scruffy, honor-less thief!
Pirate: And you're a murdering, holier-than-thou snob!
Ninja: Drunkard!
Pirate: Freak!
Ninja: Pervert!
Pirate: Drone!
Ninja: Well, you smell bad!
Pirate: (Goes to smell under his arm. Pulls back as if from a gross smell and pauses.) It's not that bad.
Ninja: It smells like someone urinated on you!
Pirate: (smells again. Looks at Ninja) I think someone did urinate on me!
Ninja: (Shakes her head, holding her hand to her forehead.) Now that's just sad. (looks up to see that Pirate is still smelling himself.) You are the worst enemy I have ever faced!
Pirate: And yet you never kill me.
Ninja: I know!
Pirate: What am I doing that stops you?
Ninja:  I don't know!
Pirate: I must be doing something right.
Ninja: You never even do anything!
Pirate: I play paintball.
Ninja: (looks at him silently for a moment. Then speaks brightly.) Really?
Pirate: Yeah, Me and Scott are always kicking it out on the weekends.
Ninja: I've never gotten a chance to play paintball before.
(They begin walking toward stage right, talking as they do.)
Pirate: How can you have never played paintball?
Ninja: I've got too many assignments.
Pirate: You work too hard!
Ninja: Isn't it really hard to aim though?
Pirate: Well, not that I like to brag, but it comes naturally to me.
(They exit via stage right)

Scene 2
Jedi Battle #1

(As Pirate and Ninja exit to stage right, Jedi Steve runs out of stage left, light saber drawn. He is followed by Jedi Mike whose light saber is also drawn.)
Steve: (Blocks a swing from Mike.) How dare you accost me whilst I was on my daily stroll!
Mike: (Swings again, but Steve dodges.) Thou hast done me injury, villain! Now thou shall perish!
Steve: (Swings back, and misses.) I do protest! Never did I injured thee!
Mike: (swings, and they cross light sabers and hold them there.) Hast thou forgotten?! Then, dark prince, know that whilst thou strolled, (shoves him back) thou knocketh over my Mocha chino!
(Mike advances toward Steve and knocks him back. Steve leans with one arm propped up on the stool.)
Steve: (Gasping for breath.) How canst thou say that I am a villain! I never meant thee any harm! (falls to the floor and drops his light saber as Mike strikes at the stool.) Please, good sir, do not strike me dead!
Mike: (Looks at his light saber then looks at Steve, then looks at his light saber again.) Oh, happy dagger, this is thy sheath! (Stabs Steve.)
Steve: (wails in pain. Then lays still, his arms spread out.)
Mike: (Withdraws his light saber and picks up Steve's. [music slowly fades] He starts to walk toward stage left.)
Steve: (Tilts his head up to look at Mike.) You Sucketh. (Dies.)

(Curtain closes)

Scene 3
Red Riding Hood

(Once the curtain is closed, green and yellow lights come up, giving the air of a forest setting. Clusters of bushes are set around below the stage over the pit and near the stage. Red Riding Hood skips out from stage left. She carries a basket in the crook of her arm and she grins as she skips down the stairs to the audience.)

Red Riding Hood: (Skipping in front of the stage. Smiling joyfully.)
The Wolf: (Visible to the audience, but not Red Riding Hood. Aside.) Abducting little girls one-O-one.
The Wolf: (Jumps out from behind the cluster of bushes in front of Red Riding Hood, making her scream.) Where are you going?
Red Riding Hood: (shocked) I'm going to go see my grandmother.
The Wolf: (suspiciously) Really? Then why don't we travel together? I know a wonderful shortcut through the woods.
Red Riding Hood: (nervously) No, thank you. I think I'll just be running along now. (She turns to go back the way she came.)
The Wolf: Oh, I insist. (Grabs her arm.)
Red Riding Hood: (Trying to pull away.) Let go of me!
The Wolf: (Picks her up.) Step Two. (Runs toward the door.)
Red Riding Hood: Help! I'm being abducted!
(Enter Fairy Godmother)
Fairy Godmother: (Waves her magic wand.) Freeze!
(The Wolf and Red Riding Hood freeze. Fairy Godmother steps out and addresses the audience.)
Fairy Godmother: Poor Red Riding Hood. Cries such as: Help! Rape! and I am being taken against my will! do not work. People won't come to come save you. That's because mankind is sick and evil and twisted and you like it when bad things happen to other people. (Pauses) You know who you are.
Forest Echoes: (Sticking out their heads. Sing-song.) Who you are... (Exit.)
Fairy Godmother: (Hands on hips.) Oh drat those little forest echoes, always repeating what I say.
Forest Echoes: (Again.) What you say... (Exit.)
Fairy Godmother: (Cross.) Anyways, This is what Red Riding Hood should have done.
(Temporary blackout. When the lights return, Red Riding Hood, Fairy Godmother, and The Wolf are back in their starting places.)
The Wolf: (Jumps out from behind the cluster of bushes in front of Red Riding Hood, making her scream. He Speaks in a German accent.) Vhere are you goingk?
Red Riding Hood: (shocked) I'm going to go see my grandmother.
The Wolf: (suspiciously) Really? Zen vhy don't ve travel togezer? I know a vonderful shortcut through the voods.
Red Riding Hood: (nervously) No, thank you. I think I'll just be running along now. (She turns to go back the way she came.)
The Wolf: Oh, I insist. (Grabs her arm.)
Red Riding Hood: (Pulls back and screams) Fire! Fire! (Aside.) Step Two. (Knees The Wolf in groin.) Fire! (Runs away from The Wolf.) Fire! Fire!
Fairy Godmother: (Stepping out holding a textbook under one arm. Waves her wand.) Freeze! (The Wolf and Red Riding Hood freeze.) Now then, (Brings forth textbook and flips through it.) If you'll all open your health books to page 23 you'll see that Red Riding Hood has done exactly what she should do in the event of a predator assault. (Closes book.) However, We all saw how incredible stupid that was. Rapists won't let you go just cause you yell "Fire." (Pauses.) Here's what any self-respecting woman would do.
(Temporary blackout. When the lights return, Red Riding Hood, Fairy Godmother, and The Wolf are back in their starting places.)
The Wolf: (Jumps out from behind the cluster of bushes in front of Red Riding Hood, making her scream.) Where are you going?
Red Riding Hood: (shocked) I'm going to go see my grandmother.
The Wolf: (suspiciously) Really? Then why don't we travel together? I know a wonderful shortcut through the woods.
Red Riding Hood: (nervously) No, thank you. I think I'll just be running along now. (She turns to go back the way she came.)
The Wolf: Oh, I insist. (Goes to grab her arm.)
Red Riding Hood: (Jumps back, reaches into the basket, and pulls out a gun.) Oh, you insist, do ya?!
(The wolf backs away as Red Riding Hood steps toward him, a crazed look in her eyes.)
The Wolf: (Aside.) Step Two. (Runs away through the audience and exits out the back.)
(Red Riding Hood puts the gun back into her basket, grins, and skips out the side door.)
Fairy Godmother: (Stepping out..) So remember ladies: always carry the means to protect yourself.
Forest Echoes: (Again.) Use Protection! (Exit.)
Fairy Godmother: (Whips around. Scolding.) Forest Echoes! There could be teenagers in the audience! (Shakes her head and storms away.)

Scene 4
In the Tavern/Jedi Battle #2

(The curtain opens on a tavern. At one table in the shadows, Mike sits sipping a drink. Friar Know-It-All and several Patrons sits at a second table, slightly behind and to the right of the third. At the third table, the closest to the audience and in the light, Angry Man and Sleepy Witch sit. Angry Man looks upset and Sleepy Witch is sleeping with her head on the table, cradled by her arms.)
Angry Man: (sets his drink down forcefully) Why do I even bother!?
Sleepy Witch: (Looking up groggily.) Bother with what?
Angry Man: My brother! He thinks he's found the answer to all life's mysteries!
Sleepy Witch: (Still groggy.) What mysteries?
Angry Man: Oh, mysteries like, "What is the last digit in Pi" and other nonsense.
Friar Know-It-All: It's seven.
Angry Man: (turns to look at the friar.) What?!
Friar Know-It-All: The last digit in Pi, it's seven.
Angry Man: Pi goes on forever and ever!
Friar Know-It-All: Nonsense! Nothing last forever. Why just look at Atlantis.
Angry Man: (frustrated disgust) Who ARE you?!
Friar Know-It-All: I am Friar Know-It-All.
Sleepy Witch: (Lifts her head a bit.) Hello Friar. (Puts it back down.)
Friar Know-It-All: How are you, Sleepy Witch?
Sleepy Witch: Sleepy.
Friar Know-It-All: And you must be Mr. Angry Man! (shakes his hand enthusiastically) I know so much about you! In fact, I know everything about you!
Angry Man: You're such a freak! Leave me alone!
Sleepy Witch: Calm down, Angry Man. You're causing a scene.
Angry Man: I am not!
Sleepy Witch: You are! Now keep it down!
Angry Man: I'm leaving! (Gets up and storms offstage, leaving the bar in silence.)
Sleepy Witch: He didn't even pay for his drink! That scumbag.
(Steve suddenly runs into the tavern and lunges at Mike. They both draw light sabers and begin to duel. The Patrons scream and run about in panic before exiting. During the commotion, Friar Know-It-All leaves. Steve and Mike's duel spreads throughout the tavern, knocking over tables and chairs as they battle. Sleepy Witch continues to sit with her head on the table. When she looks up, the table is knocked away.)
Sleepy Witch: (Stands up, grabs her walking stick, and hits them both on the head. They faint. She reaches down and sets the table upright. Then she resumes her nap with a content sigh. The stage slowly goes black.)

(Curtain closes.)

Scene 5

(The curtain opens on a castle interior. A tapestry covers the wall behind a large throne with two smaller chairs on either side of it. The King sits in the throne, looking miserable. Sleepy Witch sits in the chair to stage right, snoring loudly with her head on the back of the chair. Jester stands behind Sleepy Witch, fidgeting.)
King: (Looks up dully.) Where is my son?
Jester: The Prince is in the royal gardens, My Lord.
King: Call him in.
Jester: As you wish, My Lord. (Curtsies and Exits.)
King: (Calls.) Court magician.
Sleepy Witch: (Snorts awake.) Yeah, lord?
King: I believe it is time my son took a bride.
Sleepy Witch: (Scoffs.) Good luck with that, Your Majesty. Your son may be handsome, but his personality leaves a lot to want.
King: What do you mean, Sleepy Witch?
Sleepy Witch: Only that your son is about as interesting as a tomato.
King: Why, tomatoes are very intriguing, Sleepy Witch!
Sleepy Witch: How so, My Lord?
King: Well, is it a fruit or a vegetable?
Sleepy Witch: It's a fruit, my Lord. (To the side.) and so is your son.
King: What was that? I didn't catch it.
Sleepy Witch: Oh, nothing, Sire. Just muttering about that awful tomato.
King: You're quite certain that it's a fruit?
Sleepy Witch: (yawns) It's a melon, technically.
King: A Melon?!
Sleepy Witch: Of, course, My lord. A melon is a fruit with multiple seeds inside of the flesh.
King: What about berries?
Sleepy Witch: Well, my lord, berries are a little different. Berries are tiny fruits with multiple seeds. And the seeds aren't always inside.
King: Not inside?!
Sleepy Witch: Not inside, my lord. Why, just look at strawberries!
King: By golly, you're right! Why do you know so much about fruits?
Sleepy Witch: How do you think I became court magician, my Lord? (Slouches egotistically.) You must know these sort of things in times of need.
(Enter Jester and Prince.)
Prince: You like, asked for me?
King: Yes, son. It's time you took a bride!
Prince: But, there's like, no princesses for miles.
King: Ah yes. That does pose a problem...
Prince: Like, duh.
King: Very well, if a suitable princess cannot be found then the Prince shall marry the court magician!
Sleepy Witch: (Unhappy.) No way!
Prince: Dude, She'd like, totally sleep through our wedding night!
King: SILENCE! The Prince shall marry the court magician or both shall be put to death!
Prince: (Reluctantly.) Fine. I'll like, marry the Sleepy Witch.
King: (Rises.) Then I shall retire to my bedchamber. (Exits.)
(The Prince, Jester, and Sleepy Witch walk forward to center stage as he departs.)
Prince: It seems the time has come to set our plans into motion.
Jester: Indeed. The King has outlived his usefulness.
Sleepy Witch: I'll go get the ear poison from that guy in Denmark. (Exits.)
Prince: (Takes Jester's hands in his.) And once the King is out of the way we can finally be together.
Jester: Just like we always wanted.
Prince: Until the end of time. (They embrace passionately.)
Sleepy Witch: (Enters with a vial. Pauses at the sight of them) Oh, god! Get a room you two! (Storms over and thrusts the vial into the Prince's hand.) Here's the ear poison. Now get into position!
Jester: (Salutes.) Aye, Aye, Sir Boss! (Exits.)
Prince: (Sits in throne.) Let us begin.
Sleepy Witch: (Takes out a bolt of red cloth and lays it in front of the throne. She lays on it and then screams hysterically.) Oh! Help! Help! (Suddenly lays down.)
Jester: (Sticks her head in and shakes it.)
Sleepy Witch: (Screams louder and more clearly.) Oh! Help! I am being attacked!
Jester: (Sticks her head in and shakes it.)
Sleepy Witch: (Screams as loud as she can.) FIRE!!! FIRE!!! FIRE!!! (Lays down suddenly.)
King: (Rushes in.) What's going on! (Sees Sleepy Witch.) Oh my goodness! Sleepy Witch! Look how she bleeds! (Looks at Prince.) How could you, Florence?!
Prince: The same way I can do this! (Lunges at the King and empties the vial in his ear.)
King: Oh! How it doth burn! (Falls to his knees and lands on Sleepy Witch.)
Sleepy Witch: (Groans.) Oh! My spleen! Get the fat man off of me!
Jester: (Runs in.) Oh my darling!
Prince: (Goes to meet her with arms outstretched.) Yes, my love! Jump into my arms!
Jester: (Runs past him and pushes the King off of Sleepy Witch. Jester pulls Sleepy Witch into her arms.) Please come back to me, Florence!
Sleepy Witch: (Bewildered.) Huh?
Prince: (Turns around.) I'm over here, Jester.
Jester: Oh. (Drops Sleepy Witch and runs back to Prince.)
Sleepy Witch: (Falls face down.) Oww! I landed on my keys! (Gets to her hands and knees.) You guys really suck you know. (Gets up and nudges the King with her foot.) He's really dead.
Jester: The King is dead!
Prince: Long live the King!
Sleepy Witch: Mozeltov!
All: (Pause. Then lift their arms with joyous celebration.) Mozeltov! (Begin to run in circles around each other. Singing.) Mozeltov! Mozeltov! The King is dead! Mozeltov! Mozeltov!
(Curtain closes as they continue.)

Scene 6
Death of the Ninja

(The curtain opens to reveal Jedi Mike being restrained by Pirate and Jedi Steve being restrained by Ninja. A crowd is gathered, including Fairy Godmother, Mr. Angry Man, Friar Know-It-All, Sleepy Witch, Jester, Prince, and others.)
Pirate: Calm down, Mike! He isn't worth it!
Mike: That villain knocked over my coffee! He shall be given no quarter!
Steve: Thou art overexcited and childish!
Ninja: Stop struggling!
Mike: Unhand me! That fiend must pay!
Ninja: It’s just a cup of coffee!
Angry Man: (outraged) JUST Coffee?!
Fairy Godmother: Coffee is a valuable energy source! It's crucial to everyday life!
Pirate: She's got a point, Ninja.
Ninja: I manage without coffee just fine!
Friar Know-It-All: Ninja is correct, but then again, in Japan, the home of the ninjas, coffee is substituted with tea as a similar, yet weaker energy supplement.
Random Crowd Member #1: Your all a bunch of Coffee-Addicts!
Random Crowd Member #2: Yeah! You must have been exposed in the womb!
Angry Man: How DARE You?!
Mike: My mocha!
(Indistinguishable arguing continues as the crowd starts fighting. Mike and Steve break away from Pirate and Ninja and draw their light sabers for battle. Enter Knights)
Knight #1: (sees Jester and Prince) There they are! The king's killers!
Knight #2: After them, men!
Jester: (grabs Prince and pulls him offstage) Run away!
(Fairy Godmother knocks out Angry Man and drags him offstage. Friar Know-It-All is pulled violently offstage by Random Crowd Members 1 and 2. Several other crowd members have been killed accidentally by Mike and Steve. The remainder of the crowd has been chased offstage by Sleepy Witch flailing her walking stick. Only Mike, Steve, Pirate, and Ninja remain. Mike and Steve are continuing to battle.)
Ninja: Someone has to stop this madness!
Pirate: How?!
(Mike and Steve jump back for a moment. They point their light sabers at one another and charge at each other screaming.)
Ninja: (runs in between them.) Stop fighting! (Is stabbed and falls to the floor.)
Pirate: Ninja! (runs to her side.)
Ninja: (weakly) Pirate...
Pirate: What is it?
Ninja: ...I want you to know...
Pirate: Yes?
Ninja: That I... I...
Pirate: You what?
Ninja: I always... considered you my friend.
Pirate: Really?
Ninja: Yeah. You were the best nemesis I ever had.
Pirate: (sentimentally) Ah, gee. Thanks.
Ninja: Listen to me, Pirate. Before I die, I must warn you. There is another, more powerful than me. One that will not hesitate to kill you.
Pirate: What?
Ninja: She's stronger than both of us combined.
Pirate: How is that possible?
Ninja: Part pirate, part ninja but stronger than both.
Pirate: How do I defeat her?
Ninja: No one knows...
Pirate: There must be a way.
Ninja: I'm sorry, Pirate...
Pirate: No, wait!
Ninja: Good-bye... (Dies)
Pirate: No! You can't die! Ninja! I still have questions! Who's the other enemy?! What's their weak spot?! How can you just die like that!? (covers his eyes with his hands and leans over Ninja's corpse. Whispers.) What do I do now?

(curtain closes)

Scene 7
Technical Difficulties

(The curtain opens on a cafe setting. The street outside can be seen through a window behind the tables. There is a door by the window. A large sign above the set says "A Starbucks in Korea." Fairy Godmother, The Wolf, and Red Riding Hood sit at a table drinking coffee. (Through the window, crowds of people can be seen running in terror away from Godzilla.)
Fairy Godmother: Wait a minute. Why are we in Korea?
Red Riding Hood: And why is Godzilla here? Isn't Godzilla Japanese?
Fairy Godmother: And why Starbucks?
The Wolf: I don't even like coffee.
Fairy Godmother: What are those writers thinking?! I mean, how can we be expected to act when they screw up the scenery?
The Wolf: I refuse to continue until this issue is addressed!
Red Riding Hood: Hold on a minute. (Storms offstage and returns dragging Technician #1 behind her.) Fix the sign!
Technician #1: (freezes in fear.)
The Wolf: Uh, guys? (whispers) The technical staff can't appear onstage during a show.
Red Riding Hood: What?! Then What good are they?!
Fairy Godmother: Oh, let's just finish the scene as is!
Red Riding Hood: Fine. (to Technician.) Out of the way, then.
Technician #1: (still frozen in fear.)
Red Riding Hood: Uh, Hello? Move it.
Technician #1: (still frozen in fear.)
Red Riding Hood: (exasperated) Oh, come on!
Mike: (enters from shop door.) Okay, I'm getting another Mocha chino! (sees Technician #1.) What are you doing out here?
Red Riding Hood: He's in the way!
Mike: Oh, don't worry. (walks over to group.) Check this out. (to Technician #1.) All Your Base-Your base-
Technician #1: (joins in.) Base-  Base-  All your Base-  Are belong to us.
Mike: (gently pushes Technician #1 offstage.) Piece of cake.
Fairy Godmother: I'm still not happy about the sign.
([Mission Impossible Theme] Technician #2 runs onstage carrying a piece of paper and a stool. Technician #2 sets the stool under the large sign, climbs up, and puts the piece of paper over part of the sign, changing it to "A Starbucks in New York."  Technician #2 climbs down and exits with stool.)
The Wolf: How come that guy could… and the other couldn’t?
Mike: Must have been a level 2 Techie. They go through training you know.
Red Riding Hood: Unlike actors.
Fairy Godmother: (shakes her head in contempt.) Crew members.

(Curtain closes.)

Scene 8
Enter Pirinja

(Curtain opens to reveal a counselor's office. There is a door and a window. Mike and Steve are laying on separate couches while Doctor sits in a chair between them.)
Doctor: Now, Mike. Retrace your steps that morning.
Mike: (hesitantly) Well, I woke up, and got dressed. Then I went to Starbucks and I got a mocha chino.
Doctor: You got it to go?
Mike: Yeah, I wanted to enjoy it in the park.
Doctor: (taking notes.) That's very interesting. Please continue.
Mike: Well, I went to the park but my favorite bench was taken again.
Doctor: Again?
Mike: This crazy guy shows up every Sunday to feed peanuts to the pigeons.
Doctor: And how does that make you feel?
Mike: Pretty sad actually.
Doctor: Why's that?
Mike: Because he puts cyanide in the peanuts.
Doctor: Oh... what did you do next?
Mike: Well, I decided that since I couldn't sit there, I'd go sit by the fountain.
Doctor: And that's when you set your drink on the rim, isn't it?
Mike: (emotionally) Yes. And then... He knocked it over.
Doctor: I understand, Mike. Steve?
Steve: Yeah?
Doctor why don't you tell us about your morning?
Steve: Well-
(Enter Pirate via the door.)
Pirate: (points) YOU!! (draws pistol.) You killed Ninja!
Steve and Mike: (stand up and point at each other.) He did it!
(Enter Pirinja via the window. She draws a sword, kills Steve and Mike, then runs out of the door past Pirate.)
Pirate: Dude! She totally just stole my kill! (revelation) Wait a minute, that's who Ninja was warning me about, the Pirinja! (runs after Pirinja) Get back here! You Kill-Stealing freak!

(Curtain closes.)

Scene 9
Backstage Shenanigans

(Curtain opens on the Green Room backstage. Technician #1 and Technician #2 sit playing cards. Boxes, tables, chairs, costumes, and sturdy props are scattered everywhere.)
Technician #1: Got a five?
Technician #2: Go Tech. Got a queen?
Technician #1: Go Tech.
(Enter Pirinja and Pirate. Pirinja jumps and hops on tables and boxes nimbly across the stage. Enter Pirate.)
Pirate: (throwing boxes, tables, props and costumes out of his way as he chases Pirinja.) Get back here you prancing pirate mockery! (both exit.)
Technician #1: Got a two?
Technician #2: Yup. (hands him the card.)
(Enter Ghost. Ghost is Ninja covered with a large white bed sheet.)
Technician #2: (stands quickly and points at Ghost) It's the Phantom of the Auditorium!
Technician #1: (stands) Holy Spotlight!
Technician #2: (pushes a pile of boxes aside to reveal a door.) Into the Techie Cave! (both exit via the techie cave.)
Ghost: (stares after them a while then follows after Pirate and Pirinja.)

(Curtain closes.)

Scene 10

(Once the curtain is closed, Pirinja comes out front, followed closely by Pirate.)
Pirate: I said stop!
Pirinja: (stops, turns, and attacks Pirate.)
Pirate: Whoa! (jumps back as Pirinja continues to attack.)
(Enter Fairy Godmother and The Wolf from opposite sides of the stage.)
The Wolf: Go, Pirate! (Enter Friar Know-It-All and Mr. Angry Man.)
Fairy Godmother: Come on, Pirinja! Beat that drunken fool!
Pirate: Why are we even fighting? (attacks back with an empty bottle.)
Crowd: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
(Enter Jester, Prince, and Red Riding Hood from stage right. Enter Sleepy Witch and technicians from stage left.)
Red Riding Hood: Place your bets here! Place your bets here!
Jester: Ten on Pirinja!
Mr. Angry Man: Twenty on Pirate!
Technician #1: Fifty on Pirinja!
(Enter Other Crowd Members. Pirate and Pirinja continue to battle as the crowd makes general noise.)
Pirate: (falls backwards)
Pirinja: (prepares to dramatically stab Pirate.)
(Enter Ghost.)
Ghost: Stop, Pirinja!
Pirinja: (pauses) Huh?
Ghost: (walks into battle area.) This battle is not simply Pirinja versus Pirate. (throws off the bed sheet to reveal Ninja.) It is Pirinja versus Pirate and Ninja!
Pirinja: (Tilts head in confusion) But you're supposed to be dead.
Ninja: Fool, I am Ninja!
Prince: Five hundred on Ninja!
Pirinja: But how did you survive?
Pirate: yeah, how did you survive?
Ninja: That's for the writers to know, and us to wonder.
Pirate: You mean you don't know how you survived?!
Ninja: Does it matter?!
Pirate: It's a pretty useful trick!
Ninja: What do you need it for? Pirates are immortal, remember?
Crowd: (mutters) Stupid Disney.
Pirate: Yeah, but that still involves actually dying, not like you freaking ninjas, all magical and godlike all of the sudden.
Crowd: (mutters) Stupid Naruto.
Pirinja: Anyways, Two against one isn't fair!
Ninja: Are you proposing a trade?
Pirinja: Of what?
Ninja: I'll let you two settle this one on one if we get to chose the method of battle.
Pirinja: Name your terms, Pirate!
Ninja: Point of parliamentary procedure!
Pirinja: What now?!
Ninja: I insist on discussing the topic with Pirate before any final decision is made.
Pirinja: Make it snappy.
Ninja: (whispers to Pirate) Listen, you keep her busy, I'm gonna go get the secret weapon.
Pirate: (whispers) What secret weapon?
Ninja: (whispers) The secret weapon against Pirinja. Now go for it. (Exits.)
Pirate: (To Pirinja.) The Battle Method is Swashbuckling.
Pirinja: To the Death!
Pirate: No, Just to the finish.
Pirinja: It finishes when someone dies!
Pirate: No, It's finished when someone loses-
Pirinja: By DYING!
Pirate: Fine! Swashbuckling to the finish of someone losing by dying!
Pirinja: Okie-dokie.
Sleepy Witch: Alright! I want a bad, messy brawl. Biting, hitting, kicking, slapping, spitting, strangling, drowning, deafening, slashing, bashing, beating, burning, bruising, and throwing mud... sound really entertaining, so go for it! If you must bleed, don't drip. The booth is off-limits, and don't touch the cyclorama. (afterthought) Oh, and try not to kill the audience. Okay? Go! (Pirate and Pirinja start circling each other.)
Pirate: Ya know the downside to being part ninja?
Pirinja: What?
Pirate: You have to honor your agreements. (Runs away.)
Pirinja: What? Hey, get back here! (Chases)
(Enter Ninja dragging a cage.)
Ninja: Pirinja!
Pirinja: WHAT NOW!?
Ninja: (Holds up a bottle of sake) Lookie what I got!
Pirinja: (walking in trance towards sake) Curses! My ninja heritage and pirate nature come together in one perfect bottle!
Ninja: (throws booze in a cage) That way, Pirinja. The booze is that way.
Pirate: (pokes up his head from the back row) Booze? (rushes up to cage as Pirinja is entering it.)
Ninja: No, Pirate! (tries to stop him, but is pulled in as well. The door swings shut and locks behind them.) Dang it!
Pirinja: (fighting over the sake with Pirate) It's mine!
Pirate: Booze!
Friar Know-It-All: Cage Match!
The Wolf: Go, Pirate!
Fairy Godmother: Come on, Pirinja!
Crowd: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Ninja: Wait a minute!
All: Huh?
Ninja: Why are we even fighting? Without us, the theater would be dull and boring. No one can replace Ninjas in the theater, we're the driving force of the tech crew. And without Pirates we'd have no humor. And Pirinja, you embody the idea that opposites can work together in an efficient, intelligent, and highly insane manner with pride. We shouldn't be fighting each other. Together, the three of us could do anything.
Pirinja: We could rule the world.
Pirate: Or at least Manhattan.
Ninja: That's why we need to put our differences behind us and work together. We are what makes the theater everything we love. Entertaining. Dramatic. Spontaneous. Fun!
(Crowd claps in agreement. Ninja opens the cage and they climb out.)
(moment of silence)
Pirate: Well, If we don't fight, what do we do?
(moment of silence)
Pirinja: Shadow Puppets?
(moment of silence)
Ninja: Okay.
Pirate: Shadow Puppets!
All: (clatter offstage) Shadow Puppets!!!

(Lights Fade Out)

The End

Special Thanks:

Pirate                 Pirinja
(Michael)             (Akaishi)
This is a comical screenplay written for theater people.

There are ten scenes. The format is annoying as hell but at least it's up now.

Enjoy the insanity.

EDIT: just fixing some minor issues.
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January 6, 2008
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